Tennis Shoe Afterthoughts

So I've had a little time to think since writing this post yesterday and I've discussed it with a several people since then as well, most coming from my new Learning Circle. We talked about acceptance last night. Acceptance with ourselves, with motherhood, of others. It was great, and I feel like I bore my whole soul on a first date. Not sure how I feel about that in retrospect, but let's just "accept" that that's who I am. I'm a talker.

So here are my afterthoughts. I worry way to much about these kinds of things and what other people think. I think I'm highly aware of my flaws and imperfections right now in my life and I project those flaws onto other people. I assume everyone else in the world thinks the same thing about me as I do. I think everyone else is comparing me to all these cute single women on dates in line at Zupa's on Friday night. I think everyone looks at my not very tight abs and compares me to the other first time mom, whose belly just magically goes back after having that baby. It's silly really. I always get this way, at about this time, after having a baby. Last time it prompted me to do the Mrs. Utah pageant, to help myself gain some confidence, to squeeze out some me time, and to get myself back in order, and you know what...it worked. I just need to get my confidence back.

I'm not sure what I'll do next, but at least I can see this phase for what it is. Postpartum, baby slave, desperately needing some me time, mommy craziness. So don't worry folks, I'll snap out of it, and I've got some good goals to help get me there.

Tennis Shoes

These are my tennis shoes.

My very favorite shoes.

Miguel bought them for me for Christmas.

Worn 'em almost every day for the last year.

I LOVE THEM!


 But it's funny, you see. I do love them and I love wearing them. They help me be a good mom. When I put them on in the morning, I'm ready for anything. They help me walk over the playdough my kids have dropped on the floor or the food crumbs that haven't been swept yet. They help me run up and down the stairs with the loads of laundry, or out to the trash can to drop the cereal boxes in the recycle trashcan. They help me walk over ice in the driveway without slipping and breaking my neck. They help me walk all over the house with my baby without fear of rolling my ankle. They help me pick up my kids from preschool or go grocery shopping. They keep my knees from aching from walking on our tile floors. They help me as I wash a million dishes in the sink and stand to cook breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I can run and jump at a moments notice, like when I think Max is suddenly going to fall off the couch. I can suddenly join in on the impromtu dance party going on somewhere in the house. I really do love these shoes.

So why do I feel so ashamed to wear them? I'm embarrassed almost. Why can't I embrace the fact that I'm the mom who wears tennis shoes every day of her life. I feel the pressure from the world to be otherwise. And I hate it! I feel like the world pushes me to be something else. Like I need to have a closet full of boots, flats, heels, pumps, and a myriad of other things that I don't really feel like wearing. Why can't I just be proud of my tennis shoes? Those and my jeans. I don't have to worry about them. If Max barfs on them, I don't have a conniption fit. I don't have to send them out for dry cleaning. So why does it bug me when other people are dressed to the hilt, especially mothers? Especially ones with little children like me? Maybe it's a lack of maturity on my part. I don't really care if they wear it, but I care about how it makes me feel. Like I'm sub par or that I have to compete with that and I don't want to compete.

I just need to love my tennis shoe wearin' self. It's all about acceptance and I need to accept myself. Don't get me wrong, I love dressing up like the next girl, but I believe there is a time and a place for it. We had a discussion in Sunday school a few weeks back about how usually the demise of the Nephites was when "costly apparel" was introduced to the society. I know it drives me nuts and always has. That's why I like going to the temple, because all of that hoopla is cut out and you can see people for who they are and not for what they are wearing. I'm really opening up here, but I've felt like it been on my chest for a while. So while I'm still learning to embrace myself, you will still catch those tennis shoes on my feet, because that's who I am. (And maybe I'll just expand my collection beyond one pair, just to change it up a bit.)

Our 1st Piano Recital

 Gabriela had her very first piano recital on Saturday. She got really nervous when I told her it was at the church, because she thought she would be playing in front of the entire congregation. But she did such a wonderful job and we were all very proud of her. She looked fantastic and she had all of her pieces memorized. We were really glad to see her thrive and excel. 

 She also received a little motivation yesterday, when our new home teacher came for the first time and brought his wife, who happens to be a piano performance major at BYU. She filled our whole home with music, and the spirit, and it was absolutely inpirational for us beginning piano students, myself included. So now when we sit down to practice, I just have to remind her of Sis. Gilbert and then we focus and get down to business.  Maybe someday we will have a concert pianist of our own to fill our home with music!

Moment of Serendipity = Happiness & Fulfillment

 While I was washing dishes today, Sophia asked if she could go outside and explore the tracks in the snow in our backyard. I said sure, and was proud of myself for letting go enough to let her go out, because my gut always wants to say no. I bundled her up and watched from the window as she meandered around the yard. I then peeked my head out and suggested she build a snowman. and then I watched as she struggled to construct him. She had this tiny little head on him and then came in asking for stuff for his face.  I grabbed a carrot out of the fridge and cut a nose and grabbed some cranberries for the eyes. A few minutes later she came crying because she couldn't get anything to stick in that tiny head of his. So I quit what I was doing and went out to help her. We built a bigger head and got those eyes and nose to stick. We then built him a new middle and popped that little head on top. My hands were freezing, but we carried on. She went after some arms and I went inside to find a ribbon. Once he was looking great, I suggested she make some "snowman soup," like the book she got for Christmas and she thought that was an awesome idea.  So that is what is in the little bowl in front.

It's really isn't anything amazing, but to me it is progress. Being able to put down what I'm doing to help one of my children. To do things that I may not, at first thought, want to do. But I know that any time I spend with my children is worth it and that those moments say "I love you." I didn't let my to do list get in the way of spending a moment with my little Sophia out in the snow.

We then came in and made some hot chocolate and she is now busily working at being an artist at the kitchen table. It's the small moments that make it all worth while.

Sophia is 5!

We got to celebrate Sophia this week. She has been so excited about her birthday and has been anticipating it  for weeks. Since it fell on a Thursday, we went out as a family and spent the evening eating "chineese food" which she requested, because they give you a treat at the end, i.e. a fortune cookie. We kept it simple and went to Panda Express and then we went bowling. We had a great time!

 We then started our preparations for her big birthday party on Saturday. The main event was the birthday cake. I had a wonderfully kind lady in my ward come over and teach me how to make fondant so I could make this cake. But the best part was that Sophia got to decorate it herself. It was like a giant canvas and she used food coloring markers to decorate it. Gabriela weaseled her way in and Sophia finally decided to let her help. Our theme this year was "Rainbows," since everything she brings home from preschool is colored like the rainbow.

 This was the table spread we ended up with, complete with healthy snacks for the kids to munch on from all six colors of the rainbow. 

 Here is the finished cake. 

 Gigi made her this awesome outfit for the rainbow birthday. She got to wear it to preschool, bowling, and her party. It was perfect!

 I loved the audible gasp as we revealed what was inside the cake. It was a lot of fun to make, but it was so sweet, that most of the kids didn't even finish their cake and Sophia told me her tummy hurt. But later they changed their minds and were picking at it the rest of the day. Silly kids!

 Here she is with all of her little buddies. Most of which are in her CTR class at church. They were a hoot!

 We got her a new scooter for her birthday and when she opened it she said, "I've been wanting one of these for a long time!" So she was thrilled. 

 We then had the pinata. All of the girls were just tapping the thing and I thought we would never break it open, that is until Daniela took a swing. Our little Mexican gal, showed these little gringas how to do it! She wacked his legs off and then cut him in two! Then Julianne led a crew and shredded and gutted that thing to pieces. Poor Burro.

 And well, what do you say. This is Julianne, and all of her goofiness.

I did our annual interview with Sophia and here is a little info about her. 

My favorite food is: cheese quesadillas

My favorite sport to play is: soccer

The best show on tv is: Wild Krats

The coolest person on Earth is: Jesus

My favorite thing to learn in school is: my sounds and art

The thing I do the most awesomely is: art

If I could go anywhere in the world, I'd go to: Chuck E Cheese

My favorite color is: yellow

When I grow up, I'm going to become an: artist

My current favorite song is: Head Shoulders Knees and Toes

The book I'm loving right now is: Fancy Nancy

Three words that describe me is: Princess Sophia

My favorite season of the year is: summer

The best thing about camping is: riding bikes

The snack I like best is: fruit snacks

One food I really dislike is: tomatoes

My best friend is: Brenna

If I has a wish it would be: to be a good girl

My best memory is: snowy days

Maximus

So this is Maximus at 8 mths. old. Can you believe it? He is so cute and lovable.

I'm having his pictures taken in a couple of weeks and can't decide. Hair up? or Down? Let me know your opionion. You can also tell me if his hair just looks terrible, because honestly, I don't know. I really don't know what to do with his hair, because I've never had a boy before. So help me out people. 

A Learning Process

I've had so much on my mind lately that I would love to get down on paper. This life is such a learning process, as is was intended to be. I feel like this phase of my life is so full of lessons to be learned. About deciphering between what is really important, who I really am, what I really believe, and what I can really handle. I'm being stretched and feel like I'm constantly presented with the reality of who I am, whether it be good or bad.

Today I will now be known as"the only mom who didn't bring treats and junk to the preschool for their child's birthday." But I'm owning that one. If we still lived in the days when you could bring cupcakes to share, then I'm all about it, but I'm not purchasing store bought, unhealthy, wasting good hard earned money, just to save face stuff, all in the name of social pressure. Just not gonna do it this time. Especially when I'm throwing down a major birthday party on Saturday. Good thing Sophia is rational and she gets it. Or at least she pretends too.

Another thing I'm learning is the fact that our family can only handle so much. As much as I would like to sign my kids up for all of the amazing things there are to do out there, our family will only suffer from the overscheduling and stress that it puts on us. Our best days are the ones where there are no appointments to be at, meetings to attend, assignments to be completed, practices to struggle through. It makes me grumpy, and I take it out on the kids, and then they are grumpy, because we are in this rat race to get things done all the time. So Gabriela quit spanish this week, to be in the school play. And I was getting a wild hair to sign her up for ballet again, but that will have to wait till the summer when we don't have school and other things to do. I just know deep down we can't add that on top. Good thing we can learn from our mistakes in the past.

I'm learning that asking for help has it's benefits. My house is feeling more organized thanks to some great women in my life. My sweet mother in law came over to help me organize my pantry, since that is something she is very gifted at, and  another friend came and helped me "de-allergerize" my bedroom from corner to corner. Such a blessing. Speaking of which, I'm breathing better these days. Went to the allergist who diagnosed me with sever asthma (duh!) but got me on some meds that have made me feel much better and are controlling my breathing. What a breath of fresh air...literally! Glad I asked for that help as well.

On to other things. I feel (can you tell I'm a blue personality? I "feel" a lot) like life is sort of running away with me. I'm so stinkin' busy that I can't manage a moment to myself. I daydream about writing in my journal. I daydream about picking up that book I was reading 4-5 days ago. I daydream about going to bookclub. There just isn't a moment to spare these days. But I'm also becoming more aware of the fact that my children will only be in my house a short time, before they leave and are gone. That makes me sad, and then I'll have all the time in the world to read and write. But what will I write about then? My empty house? No, you see, now is the time to write. They give me great material to write about! So I'll have to see how I can work it in. This is really the stuff I'm going to want to read when I'm old.

Any who....I feel better that I've gotten at least some thoughts down. There is a little less weight on the shoulders. You know how you always feel better after you throw up. Well, that's how I'm "feeling" right now. I just needed to spend a minute processing and I feel much better now.

Good night all.