A Learning Process

I've had so much on my mind lately that I would love to get down on paper. This life is such a learning process, as is was intended to be. I feel like this phase of my life is so full of lessons to be learned. About deciphering between what is really important, who I really am, what I really believe, and what I can really handle. I'm being stretched and feel like I'm constantly presented with the reality of who I am, whether it be good or bad.

Today I will now be known as"the only mom who didn't bring treats and junk to the preschool for their child's birthday." But I'm owning that one. If we still lived in the days when you could bring cupcakes to share, then I'm all about it, but I'm not purchasing store bought, unhealthy, wasting good hard earned money, just to save face stuff, all in the name of social pressure. Just not gonna do it this time. Especially when I'm throwing down a major birthday party on Saturday. Good thing Sophia is rational and she gets it. Or at least she pretends too.

Another thing I'm learning is the fact that our family can only handle so much. As much as I would like to sign my kids up for all of the amazing things there are to do out there, our family will only suffer from the overscheduling and stress that it puts on us. Our best days are the ones where there are no appointments to be at, meetings to attend, assignments to be completed, practices to struggle through. It makes me grumpy, and I take it out on the kids, and then they are grumpy, because we are in this rat race to get things done all the time. So Gabriela quit spanish this week, to be in the school play. And I was getting a wild hair to sign her up for ballet again, but that will have to wait till the summer when we don't have school and other things to do. I just know deep down we can't add that on top. Good thing we can learn from our mistakes in the past.

I'm learning that asking for help has it's benefits. My house is feeling more organized thanks to some great women in my life. My sweet mother in law came over to help me organize my pantry, since that is something she is very gifted at, and  another friend came and helped me "de-allergerize" my bedroom from corner to corner. Such a blessing. Speaking of which, I'm breathing better these days. Went to the allergist who diagnosed me with sever asthma (duh!) but got me on some meds that have made me feel much better and are controlling my breathing. What a breath of fresh air...literally! Glad I asked for that help as well.

On to other things. I feel (can you tell I'm a blue personality? I "feel" a lot) like life is sort of running away with me. I'm so stinkin' busy that I can't manage a moment to myself. I daydream about writing in my journal. I daydream about picking up that book I was reading 4-5 days ago. I daydream about going to bookclub. There just isn't a moment to spare these days. But I'm also becoming more aware of the fact that my children will only be in my house a short time, before they leave and are gone. That makes me sad, and then I'll have all the time in the world to read and write. But what will I write about then? My empty house? No, you see, now is the time to write. They give me great material to write about! So I'll have to see how I can work it in. This is really the stuff I'm going to want to read when I'm old.

Any who....I feel better that I've gotten at least some thoughts down. There is a little less weight on the shoulders. You know how you always feel better after you throw up. Well, that's how I'm "feeling" right now. I just needed to spend a minute processing and I feel much better now.

Good night all.

Thoughts as of late.

Right now in my life, I am finding that I am very limited in what I can do and fit into my life. I have such high hopes and dreams and I like to set crazy, just out of my reach, dreams or goals and go after them. But right now, I am so swamped in just the survival things of life, like cooking, laundry, homework, piano practice, diapers, baths, dishes, that I find there is little time for anything anymore. I feel like I'm dropping balls all over the place. I just can't seem to fit in Gabriela's piano practice, because I need to sit with her to keep her on task, but finding that time amidst all of the other craziness around here is hard to find. I get so embarassed when I take her to her lessons and I have to tell the teacher we only practiced three times that week or she doesn't know the pieces very well. I would love to give Gabriela more ownership of it, but she is 6 years old. When I ask her if she wants to quit, she says no, but she whines about practicing. I don't know what to do.

My health has been a major struggle these last couple of months, where I dive into colds, which develop into bouts of asthma and I'm on an inhaler every couple of hours and am exhausted. I can't muster the energy to get all the housework done and all of the other responsibilities I have. I have to accept that it's ok if the dishes sit in the sink for the day, or that I don't have anything prepared for dinner. I'm just wearing down and at times feel like the real me has been shelved for a time. In the shower I dream about doing art again, or doing art projects with my kids, or sitting down and playing games with my kids, but I feel like I'm caught up in the tornado of life and I'm just blown from one moment to the next. I'm more like a fire fighter putting out fires or I'm playing defense on the football field. But I would much rather be on the offense. I want to feel like I'm in control and I determine the outcome, but when you experience health issues, that's always not the case. I want my A game back. I want to see progress each day. And I feel guilty that my husband  and kids see me struggle.

I know this too shall pass. It's only a season. And I'll endure it, and hopefully endure it well.

I guess I'll go finish those dishes, and get those 5 loads of laundry going, and go get my kids out of the tub, dressed, fed, and off to preschool. And I guess I'd better hurry up.

More thoughts on the Retreat!

If you are waiting for Vacation (Part I), well you'll have to wait a little longer. I just wanted to jot down some of my thoughts a week out from the retreat, now that I've had some time to reflect. One of the most powerful moments I had, was when I realized that my children are not going to look back and know that their mother loved them by the fancy car that she drove (I don't drive a fancy car), or the perfectly accessorized wardrobe she had, or the six pack abs she had going on. Nope! That's not how I knew my mother loved me. It was her availability, her hugs, her listening ear, her spending time with me. So why should I be stressing out about all of that stuff. It doesn't make me a better mom. (Well a new pair of shoes might make me feel better, and then I'm in a better mood, and I can deal with my kids a little longer), but in the long run it won't make me any happier than I am today. It was a powerful moment and I could feel the stress melt away. Thanks Allyson!

I also learned a lot about giving my children ownership. Ownership of everything really. I've been a little stressed about trying to get my kids to do chores and how to do rewards and such. This was a great topic and I've already used some of the ideas I got. For example, yesterday the girls room looked like I bomb had went off. I really wanted them to feel some responsibility for it and didn't want to just clean it up for them. So one of the ideas I got was to write down the specific chores on pieces of paper, like put movies away, pick up Legos, help Mom with the clothes, etc.  I then layed them face down on the floor and let them choose four. Out of those four, they could put one back, and well that was what Julianne got. I still had to stay on them to keep them on task, but overall, I didn't get much complaining, and the "I can't do it"s this time. It was GREAT! and they got their jobs done.

I learned a lot about organization and have implemented Mind Organization for Moms. My head is so clear now! I know what to do next and feel on top of things instead of behind them. That's worth a million bucks in and of itself. Check it out here.

In short, I feel at peace in what I'm doing as a mom. It really is the most important job out there. Mothering is a career and should be treated as one. We have to be deliberate these days in order to create the kind of family we desire. I often see pictures of an older more established couple surrounded by their children and then their grandchildren and think to myself, "Yes, that's what I want someday!" I want a close knit family that is bonded by traditions and love and memories. I can't just wish for that...I've got to make it happen. It's exciting. It's challenging. It's often times difficult. But it's all worth it!