So, it's 3:30 in the morning and my mind is racing. I came home from my first graduate meeting so full of ideas and questions about my job and about myself. I figure the only way I'm going to be able to sleep is if I get up and dump my brain on paper.
A couple of things I've been thinking about is my role as artist/teacher. For years I have so uncomfortable with the idea of artist. I didn't like calling myself an artist, because quite frankly...I didn't make art. Sure, I did artistic like things, like sewing quilts and making birthday cakes, sewing clothes for my kids, and other stuff, but I did not make art like I did in high school. I never put pencil to paper or brush to canvas like I had done in the past. My journey went from making art in high school, and feeling pretty successful, to making art for professors at BYU, to having a baby and raising 4 children. So it has been about 14 years since I made art for myself.
I struggle with that, as I teach. Sometimes I feel like a fraud and that I'm hiding that fact from my students. Do they know that their art teacher doesn't make art? I've thought about making art a lot, and get inspired to make it all the time, so I go out and buy art making materials, and then they just sit in a drawer. I think I'm terrified by the thought of having lost my talent, or that I can't do it, or I'll make bad art. I'm so worried about the outcome, that I never pick up the brush and enjoy the process.
I've also been stewing over my students as I watch them try to figure out what pleases me as an instructor. They want my feedback and affirmations constantly and simply can't stop and enjoy what they are doing. I had a girl yesterday that had inscribed her upside down drawing onto her paper by placing the image onto her sketchbook, tracing really hard over to imprint, and then sketch over it. She brought it to me to pass off as her own, and was looking for me to congratulate her on her perfection. I totally called her out on it. Others kept complaining the assignment was hard, or that they simply couldn't do it. They couldn't just enjoy what they were doing.
I need to embrace the ideas that it takes 10, 000 hours to become an expert or that the more times you fail the closer you come to succeeding. I need to overcome the paralyzing sensation that comes when I look at a blank piece of paper or a blank canvas.
So my questions tonight are:
1. How can I myself learn to enjoy the art making process more than the outcome?
2. How can I get my students to enjoy the process?
3. What are some open ended projects that are unpredictable, that do not focus on the outcome, but rather the evolution of the artwork.
4. How do you develop an artistic process?
5. How will finding my own artistic voice impact my teaching in the classroom?
6. How can my students learn from watching me explore ideas and seeing me create?
In response to these questions, I had an example last year of where I tried to do an unpredictable art lesson with the students and it was all based on chance. It was a Spiral Art Ed. lesson based on chance. We put on music and created collaged poster boards. When the music stopped, we passed ours to the next person and did this for a couple of days until we had all of them covered. I then randomly passed them out to the students and had them create meaningful art work on top that had to do with chance in their lives.
They hated every minute of it.
I felt like it was the most meaningful art they had produced all year and they looked amazing hanging up in the hallway. But you know what, not one of the students took theirs home. I ended up having to throw them all away? Why? I couldn't wrap my brain around it! But you know what they loved. Graffiti art that they copied off the computer.
I think it was because it was defined. They knew what the outcome was. We have programmed our students in schools to find the right answers and to get the highest grade possible. But art just does not work like that. Students are afraid of experimentation because of the risk of failure. I am too, quite frankly. But where lies the creativity in that? I think we've squished the creativity right out of ourselves and our kids. So my question is,
How do we get it back?
To be continued.... (I'm going to try to sleep now.)
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Saturday, August 31, 2013
I'm a SOCCER MOM!
So we started soccer this year. For a long time now, I've had my hunch that Sophia could be great at soccer. She's just built for it and she's not afraid to get physical. Well it looks like my hunch was right, because she is great and I love watching her play and going to her games. She is quick and likes to play goalie. I've seen her dive for the ball once and made a great save. The kids are getting better and better each week and it's fun to watch. Did I mention Miguel got roped into being the coach! I can finally cross off that last item on my "qualities I want my husband to have" list I made when I was a teen. He had now coached little league! He's my dream come true, and he is actually enjoying it as well.
Oh yeah, did I mention that Julianne plays too!
It is halarious to watch her play. To her it is a stage performance. She gets all hyped up and celebrates when her team scores a goal and pouts really well when she gets scored on. She'll run over to the sidelines and dump water on herself, because "she is so hot." To get her in there and actually touch the ball I had to make a game up to see how many times she could touch the ball. Last game, she touched it 14 times in the second half. It seemed to work pretty good.
She definitely knows when the camera is on.
Max gets in on the action too, while on the sideline!
Nice kick Julianne!
and again another one!
I've finally become a soccer mom and I like it!
So here's the start of many more soccer seasons in the future! I think I've got some athletic kids.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
First Day of School 2013!
Well, we are back at it again!!!
Now we've got three little girls in school and they all couldn't be more excited!
And maybe one little boy who is going to miss them. Every time we drop them off and leave he asks "Sophia?" But he does still have Julianne in the mornings and then is spoiled plenty when Grandma and Grandpa arrive. They are amazing and we couldn't do any of this without them.
Sophia with Ms. Buchanan
Gabriela with Ms. Rasmussen
And Julianne with Mrs. Wolf (who Sophia had last year!) We love her.
Here's to making many new memories this year. And away we go....
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Angels, both in heaven and on earth.
Wow, well it's been way too long! I'm kind of sad it's been almost a whole year and I haven't documented it. And what a big year in our lives it has been.
I mainly want to write about my struggle with little Maximo right now. This child has a host of angels that surround him on a daily basis. If he were a cat, I think he would be out of lives by now. He is a master ESCAPE ARTIST!
Once Spring had sprung, we started letting him go outside in the backyard. We thought we had it pretty well fenced off so that he couldn't get near the pond and the river. That was until the day we lost him twice!!! We started to search and couldn't find him anywhere. After panicking and searching the front yard, down the street, and all over the back, Miguel found him crouched down by the water's edge behind some brush behind Troy's house. It was impossible to see him unless you were right on him. The river happened to be really high from spring runoff and it scared the life out of us. Once we brought him back we discovered he was stepping and smashing the chicken fence down to get over it. Grandpa initiated his obsession with the river when he would take him back to throw rocks in it.
This happened all over again earlier that morning and there were people on the other side of the river on the trail yelling at us and telling us that our child was by himself and didn't know that a baby drowned in the river last year. Do you know what feels like as a parent. We try to be so careful and cautious. We love our children more than life itself and yes, we are highly aware of the dangers of the river!
My inlaws, I'm sure think I'm negligent, but their expectations are to follow my year old around 24/7. As a mother of 4, that is impossible, and I have other responsibilities like cleaning and caring for my home. I can not be his personal bodyguard all day long. I do everything in my power to keep him safe. I check gates, I watch him out the back windows while I'm washing my dishes. My biggest safety issues come from his older sisters, who are oblivious to the consequences that come from opening the garage doors or side gate to our yard.
So we reinforced our back fence and have no problems from our son and the river, but now he has a new fasination. It's the front yard and ROAD!!! I try to be so dilligent and check the doors and gates before I let him out to play. One day I started looking for him and as I was headed to the front yard, I heard a knock at my door and there was a lady holding his hand and telling me that she stopped her car because he was standing in the bicycle lane in the street! I had that sinking feeling again. While I was at Girls Camp, Miguel had two other experiences like this where he was escaping from the side gate. But yesterday was the worst!
The girls were begging to go to their friends house and I said yes, but please be sure to close the gate when they left. Well of course they were more worried about darting to their friends house then the gate and left it open. The girls had come home later and Max wanted to go out so I let him out into the backyard, and well you guessed it, the gate had been left open. I was talking to the girls and mentioned the gate and for them to go check. The next thing I know they come bolting in the house and I immediately knew. My heart sank and when I bolted around the house there was Max in the driveway and a UTA bus woman was stopped in front of my driveway yelling at me. "DO YOU REALIZE YOUR BABY WAS IN THE ROAD!!!!" I picked up my baby, waved, and headed inside. That's when I lost it.
How? I was grateful to heaven for watching over my son. And whoever the angels are that watch over him. I don't know how one child can cheat death so much. I should be grateful to all of the earthly angels that save him each time. I feel like an awful parent. I started to break down and let my mind go down that scary road. I unleashed on the girls and then began to imagine my life without my baby boy. It was awful. I questioned whether or not I could look at my girls again if they were the ones to led to his death. (in hindsight, I know I take just as much of the blame, but there have been many times where I lock the gate and they go out to the front without letting my know. So I think it's safe when in reality it's not.) I bawled. I felt helpless and not in control. How could this keep happening to us?!
So this morning, I double checked the side gate and garage door before letting him play outside. You have to realize that that is where my child wants to be. He wants to play outside all day. I let him out for a few minutes while I made him second helpings of breakfast. I was at the kitchen table with Gabriela while she ate breakfast and I knew Sophia and Julianne were downstairs watching a video. I hadn't heard from him in a while and I knew his food was ready to be eaten, so I looked in the yard and he wasn't there. I figured he must have come in without me seeing him and was downstairs with the girls. Then comes that familiar knock on my front door. I went to see and when I rounded the corner, my heart sank, because the front door was open. Some saintly woman was holding Max and said she saw him next door at Troy's amid the construction mess that is going on over there. I sort of mentally shut down at that point to numb my disbelief. I thanked her so much and shut and locked the front door. Again the question of how? I knew what had happened but amid all of the prayers that I have been sending up to my Heavenly Father, I wondered how this could happen again.
Miguel likes to leave the windows and doors open in the morning to air out the house and because I 'm not the one who does it, I don't think to go back and check that. The front door must have been cracked, otherwise I would have noticed it hanging wide open. Apparently Max discovered it and walked out the front door, while I was making his oatmeal.
It's time I changed my prayers. I keep praying for the Lord to watch over him and bless him with angels to watch over him, because he is outsmarting, and outwitting me on a daily basis. The Lord has blessed him, and I have been fed a big dose of humble pie. Thanks to any and all who help save my little boy. I am on high alert, but if you live in my neighborhood and happen to spot my son in my front yard, just know that you are an angel sent to spare his life. Don't judge me! I'm doing the best I can and apparently I need a village to raise my son. I just feel like my luck is going to run out soon. I can't even described the feelings that my heart holds. I really hope and pray this phase goes away quickly.
I mainly want to write about my struggle with little Maximo right now. This child has a host of angels that surround him on a daily basis. If he were a cat, I think he would be out of lives by now. He is a master ESCAPE ARTIST!
Once Spring had sprung, we started letting him go outside in the backyard. We thought we had it pretty well fenced off so that he couldn't get near the pond and the river. That was until the day we lost him twice!!! We started to search and couldn't find him anywhere. After panicking and searching the front yard, down the street, and all over the back, Miguel found him crouched down by the water's edge behind some brush behind Troy's house. It was impossible to see him unless you were right on him. The river happened to be really high from spring runoff and it scared the life out of us. Once we brought him back we discovered he was stepping and smashing the chicken fence down to get over it. Grandpa initiated his obsession with the river when he would take him back to throw rocks in it.
This happened all over again earlier that morning and there were people on the other side of the river on the trail yelling at us and telling us that our child was by himself and didn't know that a baby drowned in the river last year. Do you know what feels like as a parent. We try to be so careful and cautious. We love our children more than life itself and yes, we are highly aware of the dangers of the river!
My inlaws, I'm sure think I'm negligent, but their expectations are to follow my year old around 24/7. As a mother of 4, that is impossible, and I have other responsibilities like cleaning and caring for my home. I can not be his personal bodyguard all day long. I do everything in my power to keep him safe. I check gates, I watch him out the back windows while I'm washing my dishes. My biggest safety issues come from his older sisters, who are oblivious to the consequences that come from opening the garage doors or side gate to our yard.
So we reinforced our back fence and have no problems from our son and the river, but now he has a new fasination. It's the front yard and ROAD!!! I try to be so dilligent and check the doors and gates before I let him out to play. One day I started looking for him and as I was headed to the front yard, I heard a knock at my door and there was a lady holding his hand and telling me that she stopped her car because he was standing in the bicycle lane in the street! I had that sinking feeling again. While I was at Girls Camp, Miguel had two other experiences like this where he was escaping from the side gate. But yesterday was the worst!
The girls were begging to go to their friends house and I said yes, but please be sure to close the gate when they left. Well of course they were more worried about darting to their friends house then the gate and left it open. The girls had come home later and Max wanted to go out so I let him out into the backyard, and well you guessed it, the gate had been left open. I was talking to the girls and mentioned the gate and for them to go check. The next thing I know they come bolting in the house and I immediately knew. My heart sank and when I bolted around the house there was Max in the driveway and a UTA bus woman was stopped in front of my driveway yelling at me. "DO YOU REALIZE YOUR BABY WAS IN THE ROAD!!!!" I picked up my baby, waved, and headed inside. That's when I lost it.
How? I was grateful to heaven for watching over my son. And whoever the angels are that watch over him. I don't know how one child can cheat death so much. I should be grateful to all of the earthly angels that save him each time. I feel like an awful parent. I started to break down and let my mind go down that scary road. I unleashed on the girls and then began to imagine my life without my baby boy. It was awful. I questioned whether or not I could look at my girls again if they were the ones to led to his death. (in hindsight, I know I take just as much of the blame, but there have been many times where I lock the gate and they go out to the front without letting my know. So I think it's safe when in reality it's not.) I bawled. I felt helpless and not in control. How could this keep happening to us?!
So this morning, I double checked the side gate and garage door before letting him play outside. You have to realize that that is where my child wants to be. He wants to play outside all day. I let him out for a few minutes while I made him second helpings of breakfast. I was at the kitchen table with Gabriela while she ate breakfast and I knew Sophia and Julianne were downstairs watching a video. I hadn't heard from him in a while and I knew his food was ready to be eaten, so I looked in the yard and he wasn't there. I figured he must have come in without me seeing him and was downstairs with the girls. Then comes that familiar knock on my front door. I went to see and when I rounded the corner, my heart sank, because the front door was open. Some saintly woman was holding Max and said she saw him next door at Troy's amid the construction mess that is going on over there. I sort of mentally shut down at that point to numb my disbelief. I thanked her so much and shut and locked the front door. Again the question of how? I knew what had happened but amid all of the prayers that I have been sending up to my Heavenly Father, I wondered how this could happen again.
Miguel likes to leave the windows and doors open in the morning to air out the house and because I 'm not the one who does it, I don't think to go back and check that. The front door must have been cracked, otherwise I would have noticed it hanging wide open. Apparently Max discovered it and walked out the front door, while I was making his oatmeal.
It's time I changed my prayers. I keep praying for the Lord to watch over him and bless him with angels to watch over him, because he is outsmarting, and outwitting me on a daily basis. The Lord has blessed him, and I have been fed a big dose of humble pie. Thanks to any and all who help save my little boy. I am on high alert, but if you live in my neighborhood and happen to spot my son in my front yard, just know that you are an angel sent to spare his life. Don't judge me! I'm doing the best I can and apparently I need a village to raise my son. I just feel like my luck is going to run out soon. I can't even described the feelings that my heart holds. I really hope and pray this phase goes away quickly.
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