Right now in my life, I am finding that I am very limited in what I can do and fit into my life. I have such high hopes and dreams and I like to set crazy, just out of my reach, dreams or goals and go after them. But right now, I am so swamped in just the survival things of life, like cooking, laundry, homework, piano practice, diapers, baths, dishes, that I find there is little time for anything anymore. I feel like I'm dropping balls all over the place. I just can't seem to fit in Gabriela's piano practice, because I need to sit with her to keep her on task, but finding that time amidst all of the other craziness around here is hard to find. I get so embarassed when I take her to her lessons and I have to tell the teacher we only practiced three times that week or she doesn't know the pieces very well. I would love to give Gabriela more ownership of it, but she is 6 years old. When I ask her if she wants to quit, she says no, but she whines about practicing. I don't know what to do.
My health has been a major struggle these last couple of months, where I dive into colds, which develop into bouts of asthma and I'm on an inhaler every couple of hours and am exhausted. I can't muster the energy to get all the housework done and all of the other responsibilities I have. I have to accept that it's ok if the dishes sit in the sink for the day, or that I don't have anything prepared for dinner. I'm just wearing down and at times feel like the real me has been shelved for a time. In the shower I dream about doing art again, or doing art projects with my kids, or sitting down and playing games with my kids, but I feel like I'm caught up in the tornado of life and I'm just blown from one moment to the next. I'm more like a fire fighter putting out fires or I'm playing defense on the football field. But I would much rather be on the offense. I want to feel like I'm in control and I determine the outcome, but when you experience health issues, that's always not the case. I want my A game back. I want to see progress each day. And I feel guilty that my husband and kids see me struggle.
I know this too shall pass. It's only a season. And I'll endure it, and hopefully endure it well.
I guess I'll go finish those dishes, and get those 5 loads of laundry going, and go get my kids out of the tub, dressed, fed, and off to preschool. And I guess I'd better hurry up.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
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6 comments:
First, you hava talent to write! How you put those emotions on paper, you hava a gift! Love the metaphors, and your doing fine! I guess this is what is means when occupation is "a Mom" ... I'm sure H.F. knows and understands, Just do you best and that will be enought. You can do it! Lots of hugs.
Everything in that last sentence is actually a LOT. What you think is the bare minimum is actually quite great.
Anyway, I haven't had game for over ten years. Game is overrated.
PS Don't listen to me: I couldn't keep up with 3 kids in piano and they have all quit. Sigh. Don't read Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother.
Raquel and I have been getting in 1 piano lesson a month..if that. I was thinking about getting her a real teacher to hopefully be better about doing it. But something tells me it might just be as hard to get her to practice. I took violin lessons for years which meant I crammed once a week right before lessons, so I don't know what to tell you. Give yourself some slack, I agree with Kacy, Game is overrated. Do what you can, and don't tear yourself up over what you didn't get to.
You are not alone! I have decided that I can only do so much with so many little kids. This is the time for us to serve and give our all to our kids. They can't do most things for themselves, but someday they will and that will be the time to do all that we have put on hold! You have an amazing family! Don't be hard on yourself because the dishes or laundry don't get done. Life goes on and your kids will still be happy even when the sink is full of dishes!
Ditto.... (ask Miguel)
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