?

This post could be titled a lot of things. Something along the lines of "Lord, help us all!" or "if we survive" or maybe "Somedays I wish I could throw in the towel"

Those just about sum it up around here for me. I feel like I'm a terrible mother right now. I loose my voice from yelling at my kids most nights. There are days when I think, what was the Lord thinking sending me these great kids, and I have no idea what I'm doing. There are so many principles I want to teach them, but I don't have a clue as to how to do it.

Responsibility? Respect? Listening? Obedience?  I feel like I'm getting nowhere. I honestly don't know any good system to teach these things. I didn't grow up in a home with charts and stickers. I was taught by threatening, yelling, spanking and a good amount of fear. But then again, I hated that, and I hate every time I find myself doing those same things. I don't know what else to do. Being nice doesn't seem to work.

But then I realize too, I'm pregnant and my hormones are out of whack and I'm exhausted and nauseated (still) all day long. By 5:00 in the evening, I've exhausted my patience. Miguel is working late most nights, so there is no relief pitcher and my girls are forced to deal with me. I'm a WITCH. I'm not smiling. I feel bad, because although they are little terrors, they don't deserve someone with no patience at night. 

My house is a disaster. I have no energy to clean it. It puts me in a bad mood.

There are moments when I honestly think, "oh my gosh, what was I thinking adding another one to the mix. How on earth am I going to do this with four?"

For the first time in my life, or at least in a long while, I'm starting to see my limits. I have reached them and gone beyond them. I have overextended and am now desperately trying to retreat. I have to realize that I can't be room mom, and class art teacher, and volunteer for enrichment, and teach primary, and be a single parent most days, and run everyone to their activities, and clean the house, and be the chef (especially while I'm pregnant). I CAN'T DO IT!!!

And it's depressing me. I've got to get through these next five months some how. I've got to stay sane. I desperately wish my family was around to help me out. I don't know how women do it with eight kids. I don't know how women can be pregnant over a fifteen year span. This pregnancy seems so much worse than the others. Maybe I'm older? Maybe I'm busier? Maybe it's a boy? Who knows, but this may be the end folks. I know the Lord blesses us with forgetfulness on purpose, but it's going to take a while for me to forget this one.

I read something this week that gave me a little hope and direction. Elder Uchdorf's talk from conference talked about slowing down and only choosing the best things when we are hit with stress. Our natural tendency is to speed up, but it's often best to slow down and take it slow. That's what I'm aiming to do. Simplify my life. If I seem flaky or distant, just bare with me for a little while. I've gone into survival mode. I'll make it through, but only if I disappoint a few people and get out of a few commitments that I've made. (What was I smoking when I thought being room mom and committing to teaching art once a week was a good idea while I've got two preschoolers at home and pregnant?..................must be first time kindergartner inexperience)

Don't worry folks. We'll all be all right around here. It may not be pretty, but we'll make it.